playing peek-a-boo w/ love

I didn’t have a decent male role in my life from the ages of 8-18 and moms wasn’t a dater. she fucked one guy every so often. cool cat, but I knew my mom wouldn’t evolve it into anything like marriage so I never really made it a factor in my life. spa trips and dinner dates every blue moon. I never learned or was taught HOW a guy was suppose to treat me. I kinda taught myself, watched movies and talked to destanee. moms wasn’t a talker either. she’s scared of words. words to her, comes with sharp edges that cut her tongue and pierce her ears, her own voice. she can’t handle it. a lot went undiscussed, still to this day….

my own idea of love, being with someone, is pretty light. respect, trust, honesty, communication, loyalty. along with a decent body and face, you can joke and have fun with this person. you can learn from this person. common interests. how do you not fall in love with that person? I’m logical, but I’m a fan of natural things. letting things fall where they may, where they’re suppose to. you don’t force love, you do not push love. you take care of it. that’s all I know … that’s how I feel … funny thing is I’ve felt this …. once in my life thus far. and it’s the same definition I had before, during and after the experience. I don’t think I’m too bad with the idea of what love is, to not have been told or taught anything. I wonder why I run from it. what am I so afraid of? do I really want love?

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