tongue tied

I’m having a hard time re-initiating a situation with a person that I feel may have been good for me. and maybe still is. certain factors … I wasn’t feeling. but nothing communication couldn’t fix. but I came to a conclusion in my head and just ran instead. 😒 and I knoooow he ain’t gonna let me live it down, in a highly obnoxious manner. idk if it’s worth it.

playing peek-a-boo w/ love

I didn’t have a decent male role in my life from the ages of 8-18 and moms wasn’t a dater. she fucked one guy every so often. cool cat, but I knew my mom wouldn’t evolve it into anything like marriage so I never really made it a factor in my life. spa trips and dinner dates every blue moon. I never learned or was taught HOW a guy was suppose to treat me. I kinda taught myself, watched movies and talked to destanee. moms wasn’t a talker either. she’s scared of words. words to her, comes with sharp edges that cut her tongue and pierce her ears, her own voice. she can’t handle it. a lot went undiscussed, still to this day….

my own idea of love, being with someone, is pretty light. respect, trust, honesty, communication, loyalty. along with a decent body and face, you can joke and have fun with this person. you can learn from this person. common interests. how do you not fall in love with that person? I’m logical, but I’m a fan of natural things. letting things fall where they may, where they’re suppose to. you don’t force love, you do not push love. you take care of it. that’s all I know … that’s how I feel … funny thing is I’ve felt this …. once in my life thus far. and it’s the same definition I had before, during and after the experience. I don’t think I’m too bad with the idea of what love is, to not have been told or taught anything. I wonder why I run from it. what am I so afraid of? do I really want love?

I hate when good guys fall for me

those type of guys that have been in love before and can’t wait to be in love again. so thirst and eager, like they’ve never even been hurt before. they don’t even know how to be mean to you. everything they do is sweet. everything they do is appropriate. I hate when I have to hurt them, because for some reason, I never like those guys. I wonder why a lot. I believe I don’t know how to receive good treatment. on top of that, when a guy take interest in me, I just wanna flee. it makes me nervous and paranoid in a way. I don’t know why. .. I don’t know why I don’t want a guy to get to know me thoroughly, why I won’t let them that close. (I let one soo close man. and still shook. smh. he would’ve been great for me, I admit.) I never thought a guy would find me interesting, intriguing and worth while anyways. I never saw a guy so in love with me, unconditionally love at that. for a guy to look at me and be like “wow …. she’s her. she’s Alexandria & by God, she’s all mine.” through the good & bad & ugly & uncomfortable. nah … not for me. I hate it when they fall for me though. because of this self-made fear, i’ll never allow myself to fall for them. .. and some of them feel it, some even have enough sense to know better. I can literally see a guy’s heart break in front of my eyes sometimes, the disappointment, the chill, because they fall for me anyways, every time. I hate those guys.